waiting

It’s just a rainy Saturday morning here at the Maple.

Julie graduated and moved out and is planning her wedding to Stafford.

Claire is student teaching and really living her best life.

Cassidy is working at a boutique and managing the yell leader’s campaign.

I’m taking 18 hours to graduate on time and still working as an SI.

I’m not sure where Claire and Cassidy are this morning. I normally spend my weekend mornings sitting in this recliner with my coffee and talking to Cassidy about everything from who looks good in their last insta to deep and difficult questions about Christianity. We don’t agree on most things and we know we will never convince the other person, but we both enjoy having our ideals tested. Anyways, I’m alone this morning which means I’m talking to myself on my blog.

I’m in a waiting phase of life. Basically waiting to see if I get into pharmacy school. I should know by the end of February, which seemed like it would never come when I applied back in September. But now it’s almost my 22nd birthday, and then Fifty Shades Freed will come out, and then I should know if I going to pharmacy school.

I can’t believe I’m almost 22. How did I get this old? I feel old. My partner in my public speaking class is this freshman named Andrew and he just turned 18. When he told me that I said “oh my god you’re so young!” and I felt like the oldest person in the world. I don’t know how all this time passed without me noticing. I do feel like this year more than any other I’ve been truly living. That’s probably why I’m in debt.

When I was younger and people asked me about my life I would say I wanted to get married when I was 23 and have three kids, each two years apart, and all of them would be boys. Boys so I wouldn’t pass on my cursed tall af genes to another poor girl. Now I’m hoping that I don’t get married when I’m 23 because I’d like to know my future husband for more than a year before we get hitched. It’s just funny, the way we want things to work out when we don’t know any better.

I’m still single but I’m no longer upset about it. Now when I yearn for someone to make out with or cuddle up to or to be the most important person in someone’s life, I lead those feelings to a sense of anticipation instead of sadness. I’ve been in love before, and it wasn’t even a great love, but I still remember how great it felt to fall in love. The beginnings of the relationship should be fun and exciting. The butterflies before the first kiss, the feeling when you reveal something to him and he accepts you and loves you, when he makes you laugh so hard that you have that feeling like oh, I could laugh like this for the rest of my life. 

I’m not saying that relationships aren’t hard work. Cassidy loves to think that if it’s the right guy, everything should be easy, that God blesses relationships by giving them less troubles and if your relationship is super troubled that it’s not blessed by God. I always tell her she will change her mind once she goes on more than three dates with the same guy. Just because it’s right doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Cassidy also talks a lot about emotional purity, which is all the bs behind that Christian phrase “guard your heart, ladies.” Turns out, not only am I physically impure, I’m emotionally impure because I picture a future with guys way to easily. Which is honestly so true. Right now I’m crushing on Harrison and Ted. I flirt hard core with them, but if they were to ask me on a date I’d probably panic. They don’t think I’m serious when I flirt with them because I’m a funny person. Boys, so cute yet so dumb.

The point is I’m not looking for anything right now. I’ve said that so many times throughout my life but I really believe it this time. I don’t have many cravings of intimacy or whatever you want to call it. It doesn’t bother me going to bed alone, waking up alone, going to cold stone at 10:30pm alone, or going to a date party alone. If I want company, I’ll ask one of my amazing friends.

I’ve always been an independent person, but I love not thinking about anyone but myself when I make a decision. Julie had to take Stafford into account when choosing what PA school she wanted to attend. She had to make sure he could get a job in the same city and blah blah blah. It put limits on her future that I don’t have. I get to make my decisions based on only what I want. It’s freeing.

I’m totally at a transition point in my life. I’m going to graduate from Texas A&M and leave College Station. I’m going home for the summer to save some money and because my parents moved to San Antonio and just built an amazing pool. I’m going to travel and relax and not work and not take classes and just be. I can’t fucking wait. And then I’ll move to a new city and have to figure out pharmacy school. I don’t want a boy getting in the way of any of that. I want my last semester to be filled with memories of my friends and me. I don’t want some boy that I have to go visit in the summer because there’s no way he’s going to meet my parents. I don’t want to be obligated to spend time with a boy while I’m trying to figure out how much I need to study and what my new routine looks like. I need this year to be just me.

I read some Latina article that said if you want to find love in the new year, you have to wear red panties on NYE. I told Cassidy this and she said she didn’t have any red panties, so I gave her one of mine. I gave her the skimpiest one of mine. And then I found out that was the only pair I had. Instead of demanding my red lace G string back, I let Cassidy wear my chance for love in 2018. It was a display of true selflessness. You better believe that if Cassidy meets her future husband this year, I am standing up at that wedding and giving all the credit to the skimpy, borrowed panties. Thanks, Victoria’s Secret.

So while I have tons of posts I want to write, I wrote this random ramble about my life these days.

It’s a wild ride, but damn, do I love it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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