flaccid

Here lies a true story about my worst experience with a guy and why my friends call him Flaccid Matt.

I hate basketball. Most people think since I’m an extremely tall girl that I would love basketball, but its always had too much running for me. Basketball seems to easy, like there isn’t actually anything going on. I know its an unpopular opinion, but I’m really bored when I’m watching it. And as many 21-year-olds do when bored, I tend to drink.

I’m watching the first game of the NBA finals with a big group of my guy friends and I’m obviously a tad inebriated. Most of us were drunk, except Travis, who has this stupid saying: the only thing I have going for me is my brain so I’m not about to fuck that up and become stupid. I don’t agree because Travis is one of my favorite people and he definitely has a lot more going for him than his brain. But he can not drink if he wants. I’ll only pressure him a little.

It was halftime and Jacob was sitting in front of me teaching me how to tie a tie, which is incredibly useful advice for a girl that plans on marrying rich. Anyways, they made fun of me for thinking ahead to being a wife when I don’t even have any prospects for boyfriends. I have to give them a little credit for that because emotional purity is not my strong suit. My super Christian friends gave me a book called Emotional Purity to help with that. Because even though I can’t get back my physical purity, I can work on my emotional purity. I’ll let you know what the fuck that means when I read the stupid book.

The guys try to force me to get a tindr, but then I tell them about the last guy I met on there aptly named Side Salad because we went to Buffalo Wild Wings and had Erika as a waitress and you can guess what he ordered. Yup, a fucking side salad at BWW. Erika kept asking if he wanted anything else and he kept saying no. I think he was also the guy that left Erika his number while he was on a date with me but I may be getting my stories mixed up.

I vetoed the tindr idea, so then they get this great idea to snapchat me to all of their guy friends and say I was looking for a fwb for the summer. Drunk me thinks its the best idea I’ve heard in a while. I also looked pretty good that night and was kinda pissed that we ended up watching the game at Cody’s house instead of at a bar, so I was all for taking a cute pic. This is probably the only time in my life that I have regretted not keeping the selfie light my mom bought for me in my purse. It clips on to the top of your phone and gives you perfect lighting anywhere. Even without it, and quite drunk, I managed to take a smokin picture with just the right amount of cleavage to say “I’d be a hot fuck buddy.”

Right away Travis’ friend from high school, Matt, called dibs. The fact that he called dibs on me when I am clearly a person should have been my first red flag but naive little Katie didn’t see it that way. Not to brag but I also but many other responses. I could only keep up with one though because I hadn’t had a guy in my life in a while and I knew just one person to flirt with would be more than I could handle. Plus I was, and still am, crushing hard on my nerdy coworker, Justin. Anyways, I told Travis to give Matt my number and told the guys to tell everyone else that it was a joke.

I soon passed out and woke up at 7am for my physics class, only to find a text from Matt saying: “So is this THE Katie Rogers??” which made me feel pretty good until he also sent this “Aight, hopefully this is the right number but I know you’re probably thinking man I sound like a hoe saying I want to be fwb, but real talk, you cute and I would have came up to you and talked to you if I saw you on my campus. Bottom line you probably passed out drunk but that’s ok because I am too so hit me up whenever”

This should have been red flag number two because I didn’t think I was a hoe but he clearly did, but he said “you cute” so I fell for it. Stupid, naive Katie. I texted him the next night and we talked for like two weeks. The conversations were never particularly interesting, but I like to think I’m good at sexual innuendos and such, so it was always pretty flirty. We never talked about anything remotely serious or personal, which was fine with me because I hadn’t even met him. Plus he has been one of Travis’ best friends for years so he filled me in on the highlights: nice guy, engineer, taller than me, lives in Dallas, goes to UNT, likes to party. I thought we seemed like a great match, besides the logistics of having a long distance fwb.

Travis, who graduated from A&M with a degree in physics, finally got a big boy job and we had a reason to celebrate. Cody and I drove up to Arlington to meet Travis and then Travis drove us to the party at the apartment where all his high school friends live, including Matt. Like any respectable guest to a college house party, we each brought a bottle of alcohol. I brought tequila and limes, my favorite shot. When we got there I hugged Matt and met everyone and started drinking because it was pretty awkward. Did I mention I was the only girl there and then it was six awkward guys??

We started playing beer run which definitely helped the awkwardness go away. And I started drinking pretty heavily. I’m a pretty slutty drunk. Like the weekend before this I was trashed at this lazy river that had a float up bar and this great deep eddy’s frozen lemonade and they even had alcohol capri suns! So you see how I got trashed. And then apparently I started making out with my friend Rachel, who is in fact a girl. Not the first girl I’ve made out with and probably not the last, but that’s a sneak peak at “stupid shit drunk me does for fun.”

So we are all taking shots and playing beer run and having fun, and then we decide to play beer pong, so of course Matt and I are partners. We play, flirt, and win. Then we decide to sit on their couch and we are both intoxicated. We sit super close and talk about who the fuck knows what and then we start making out. Idk who initiated it, but after a few minutes he’s like wanna go to my room and slutty drunk Katie is all like yeah.

At least he had the good sense to lock the door. So we’re making out, clothes are coming off, we’re falling to the bed, you know the drill. He “goes down” on me which is the biggest overestimation of all time because really he just had like four pointless licks that didn’t come close to my clit or anything good. That should have been my third and final red flag, but slutty drunk Katie was in charge. She may be a slut but is still responsible so I’m like, “do you have a condom?” and he’s like, “no” and I’m like ????? I asked for a fuck buddy and then I drove four hours to be here and then you don’t even have a condom??

So I make him get the one Cody brought me out of my purse, and it’s dark but it’s not that dark, and I see he’s not even remotely hard. As a girl, the first thing I thought was, “wow he must no think I’m attractive” because that’s just how girls think. And so I feel kinda bad so when we start making out again I’m giving him a handjob and he’s like literally not getting any harder and it finally clicks. I ask him if he thinks he has whiskey dick and he looks down at his sad, deflated dick and is like yeah I guess so. I think this sexual experience is over and I’m kinda relieved so I roll over to pass the fuck out, but he whispers creepily in my ear LITERALLY THIS: “I’m every girl’s dream, baby. I can fuck all night and never cum.”

This is a true story. I couldn’t make this shit up. He sits up and tries to put a condom on his very much flaccid penis, which is incredibly hard/impossible for a reason, so of course he doesn’t succeed. Then he just tosses my condom to the side, what a fucking waste, and then starts ramming his pelvis into mine, just rubbing his flaccid dick against me and I’m like what oh my god but I’m too drunk or stunned to say anything. So he does that for what feels like ever and then he whispers creepily into my ear again ,”cum for daddy.” !!! Who says stuff like the first time you sleep with someone?? His head is in the crook of my neck so I’m silently laughing my head off.

I’m not proud of this, but I just wanted all of this to be over so I faked an orgasm. I know I shouldn’t have, but I had to. Finally he rolls off of me to spoon me and says, “How many times did you cum? Like five?” and I replied, “yes.” I don’t know why I said yes. I didn’t even get close once. He’s going to live his entire life thinking he got a girl off five times by ramming his flaccid penis into her and it’s going to be my fault. It’s something that I will have to live with everyday for the rest of my life.

I tell him I’m super thirsty and he makes a joke about his dick which I point out is flaccid as fuck and he goes to get me some water. Travis tells me the next day that when Matt went out to get water he told everyone how hot I am. I swear all it takes for me to like a guy is for them to tell me I’m cute/pretty/hot/attractive. I’m not even picky about what word they use. God, its depressing to be me sometimes. I drink my fill of water and just as I’m drifting off to drunken stupor he says, “Hope you’re ready for round two in the morning.” It gave me nightmares.

I woke up in the morning and I didn’t feel great. Not hungover, just not in tip top condition. But I milked my hangover for all it was worth so I didn’t have to sleep with him. After Ryan cooks breakfast and I do the dishes like the girl that I am, we finally leave. I think that next morning was awkward for everyone. Travis was really mad at his friend Micheal because he smoked weed but Travis had a drug test in a couple of days. I told Travis that second hand weed smoke won’t show up on his drug test but Travis was still pissed. I was just glad to get out of there.

Travis was driving us back when Matt texted me. And he said the magic words. “Hey you were really beautiful last night and I’d really like to take you out sometime.” Totally a date, right? And of course, naive me says that would be great and then he says I’ll have to wait until I get my next paycheck, which is of course fine with me because we are all college students and money is tight for all of us. But since he wants to take me on a date I start asking him more personal questions like, “Are you still in school or have you graduated?” and “You go to the University of North Texas, right?” and he responds super weirdly with one word texts that don’t actually tell me anything. To this day I’m not sure if he was still in college or if he graduated.

You think my story can’t get worse after attack of the flaccid dick, right? Think again. After a week of slightly flirting and boring conversations, he asks me on a date for the weekend. First he asks me to drive all the way back up to Denton and I say no because no?? And then he asks if we can meet halfway in Waco and I’m say, “That’s okay with me but if you want to come to College Station, my roommates are gone wink wink.” That’s the universal code for we are going to have sex, right? So naturally, he replies with, “If I’m driving all the way there will you pay for half of my gas?” ??????????

BOY I just told you I would have sex with you after you couldn’t get it up the last time we tried and then you want me to pay you for it? You didn’t pay for my gas when Cody and I drove to Dallas and I brought a bottle of tequila. I get that money is tight but there is never a situation where a girl says she will sleep with you and you ask her for money for any reason right after. I was so insulted and so hurt. Of course I did not respond. It was really a blow to my ego. I don’t know if I have ever been that upset with myself. Not only because he treated me that way but because I conducted myself in a way that let him think that treating me that was was okay. The good news is I only run when I’m really upset and this upset me long enough to get a weeks worth of good runs in.

Just when you think this story can’t get any worse, he texts me the next day like nothings wrong, but instead of texting me a normal greeting like I’m a human being, he texts me “wanna send me a pic of your ass” I didn’t respond and haven’t texted him since then.

I can only hope that this remains the worst sexual experience of my life for the rest of my life.

Please pray for me.

p.s. the pic of the tattooed ass is a friend of a friend that I met at a party. I don’t remember his name but I thought it was appropriate for this story.

 

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