I’m going to look back in a year and think this is no big deal, but it feels pretty shitty now.
Freshman year I was slated to be the house manager for my sorority. I served the second semester of my freshman year and the first semester of my sophomore year. Then I was slated for points chair and served the second semester of sophomore year and the first semester of junior year, which is this semester. I did a great job and changed the points system to a better system. Even though I got a lot of push back at the beginning, I held my ground and new it would end up being better. By the end of the semester, everyone was behind the new system and I felt like I really helped the chapter.
Then I didn’t get slated for a senior year officer position. I was devastated. I cried, and I never cry except when I watch a sad movie or read a sad book. To make matters worse, two of my roommates, got officer positions. Neither of them has put as much effort or love into tridelt as I have. Cassidy had a position second semester sophomore year but she didn’t make grades so they impeached her, yet she got a position. Julie has never been to anything tridelt related unless its mandatory, constantly says how much she doesn’t like tridelt, is barely surviving due to her OCD and malnutrition problems, and yet she got a position.
I can’t help but feel incredibly shitty about myself. I haven’t taken it out on my roommates because I do love them and I’m proud of them and only want the best for them, but then the only person to blame is myself. I began to question every decision I made as an officer and every suggestions I voiced. Should I have not changed our mailboxes? Should I have not voted against changing paddle pass? Should I have caved when people didn’t like my points system at first?
Cassidy was very mad that I didn’t get an officer position. She thought Grace Dansby (not my old roommate Grace) and I deserved to be officers but didn’t get a position. She encouraged both of us to go talk to Erin, who is in charge of slating for new positions. Erin told both of us the same thing, and here it is in a nutshell:
You have so much going for you and would’ve been great at any officer position, but we wanted to give people who don’t have as much going for them a place to shine.
Like what the fuck? Who tells an employee they weren’t hired because they are too qualified and have too much going for them? She insinuated that every position was given to someone with not a lot going for them, which is an insult to everyone that is an officer. And it didn’t make me feel any better. I did feel a little better after talking to a few more girls who also talked to Erin and she told them that they just weren’t right for a position, so at least she didn’t tell me that.
I still feel betrayed by the people in power. I worked my ass of to change our chapter for the better and I succeeded and then I was fired. I put all of this work into tridelt and for what? To be just like any other member? I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t have a lot of respect for our new president, Hayley, or our new Vice President of Administration, Megan. I don’t know if I can sit in meeting knowing that I no longer have a say in anything that happens.
I think the best way for me to cope is to distance myself from tridelt right now. I know that sounds immature, but I think it might be the best situation for everyone. I’m not a great follower when I don’t have respect for the leader. I think the best way for me to be a nice, agreeable, just-a-member tridelt is to do the bare minimum. I’ll go to meetings and mandatory events only. Basically I’ll switch places with Julie and she will be the involved officer and I’ll only show up to mandatory events. I’ll be one of those older girls that just falls of the face of tridelt and fades into the background.
I’ll use all the time and energy that I used to put into tridelt into other things that are actually benefitting me. Pre Pharmacy Society. School. Friendships. Fitness. Self Care. Writing. Travel. Maybe I am acting immature and maybe I will still be involved in tridelt, but I can only see it bringing me frustration. So for now I’m going to try it this way.
I can’t wait for the day that this doesn’t hurt so much.