blah

I’m normally a pretty confident person.

I don’t think I’m gorgeous or anything, but I do love myself. I love my personality and my heart and my brain. Some of the time I love my body. Like every person, I suffer the occasional bad feelings about myself when I try on something unflattering or compare myself to the girl in the magazine, but for the most part I think my body is pretty great. I just don’t see a reason to hate a body that is healthy and mobile and functioning and capable of anything I set my mind to. Most days I feel like my body is pretty damn good at its job.

Today was not one of those days.

My acne has always been persistent. I started taking birth control at sixteen to help my really long, painful periods and that was also suppose to help hormonal acne. I still had tons. About a year ago, I was completely fed up and I went to the dermatologist and got this topical cream. It seriously worked wonders. My face was acne free for basically all of sophomore year of college, but when I got home for the summer, my acne returned with a vengeance. The weird thing was that my diet, sleep patterns, and daily routine were all better and more normal than when I was at school, so my acne should’ve been better. I went to the dermatologist for more help, and she gave me a pill. I happily started taking it, but it’s been eight weeks and I haven’t seen any changes.

Yesterday I was studying for my pharmacy technician certification board exam and I came across the medication my doctor prescribed me. It said that I shouldn’t have dairy products while taking this medicine because lactose binds to the active agent and makes it inactive. Well shit. I have a bowl of cereal every morning and too much cheese throughout the day. I’ve decided to try a few weeks dairy free and see where it takes me. It will be a real sacrifice because cheeses are my favorite food group. I also learned that drinking alcohol while taking allergy medications increase not only the potency of the alcohol, but also the efficacy of the allergy medication. That’s a win-win in my book.

Over the past week, I’ve had some serious hair issues. I shower at night and when I wake up in the morning, my hair already looks super greasy on the top near my part. And I’m talking terribly greasy. My hair doesn’t get that greasy when I don’t shower for three days, much less for 8 hours. I thought I must not be washing out all of my conditioner or something, but after days of diligence and frustration, I finally figured it had to be something else. I used my dad’s head and shoulders shampoo, washed twice, rinsed like crazy,  got fresh towels and pillow cases, didn’t put any moroccan oil in my ends like I normally do, and I made sure not to touch my hair to much. Nothing worked and I was left with a greasy mess immediately after my shower this morning.

I tried to enlist the help of my mother, but her first comment was really mean. It’s no secret that my mom hates that I stopped dying my hair blonde and am letting it go back to it’s natural color, but it still hurts when she blatantly insults my hair. She said my hair probably looks gross because the color is so bad. I was so mad at her that I just decided to put it up and deal with it later.

I was taking my friends from my internship to Gruene, Texas, to show them how cute a historic southern town can be. I wanted to look cute but still stay cool, so I went to my mom’s closet to try to find something. Unfortunately, I saw the scale in her bathroom and for some stupid reason I decided that today was a good day to weigh myself. I hadn’t weighed myself in about a year and the number on the scale completely shocked me. I knew I had gained some weight since high school, but I honestly didn’t think it was that much. I tried to shake it off and find something to wear, but I felt huge in anything I put on.

I finally found something that made me feel good enough to leave the house when my mom texted me. She and my dad had left to float the river and she wanted me to turn on the water so it would fill the pool while they were gone. I had no problem doing that, but I didn’t know where the hose was in our new house so I asked her where it was and she replied: seriously it’s not that hard and it’s not asking much for you to help out. Like that it literally what she said back to me.

All of the bad things just piled up and I threw myself dramatically across my bed and cried because my hair made me look unhygienic and my hair was an ugly color and I had gained so much weight and nothing looked good on me and I was breaking out and my mom thought I was a brat when I really just didn’t know where the damn hose was.

After about five minutes, there was more mascara on my cheeks than on my eyelashes. And with perfect timing, my friends showed up ready for a day out. I took a minute to collect myself before I let them in, but I was still obviously upset. I played it off, joking that I was high, and they didn’t pry, but when I went to go fix my makeup I knew they were talking about why I had been crying. I put all of my self esteem issues away and forced myself to have a good day, and my friends made that really easy. They are so fun and we all tease each other and make each other laugh. I had a great time in Gruene, even though I had buckets of sweat pouring off of me at all times and couldn’t cool down with a nice ice cream cone like all of my friends. I also paid an entire quarter to have this old ‘love tester’ tell me I was blah. Honestly, blah is a lot nicer than the shit I say to myself, so it was almost a compliment.

But when I went home after dinner, all of the negative feelings came flooding back. I looked up why my hair would suddenly be outrageously greasy and sticky and disgusting, and the most common answer was a manifestation of seborrheic eczema. I haven’t been to the dermatologist yet so I don’t know if I have this for sure, but my symptoms are very similar. One eczema blog suggested a diluted apple cider vinegar treatment to cleanse the waxy buildup, so I stuck my head in a bowl of that for ten minutes, then put my hair into a shower cap for another thirty. I rinsed it out, then mixed my shampoo with baking soda and washed my hair. My hair is still wet so I don’t know if it worked, but it feels promising.

Even if a dairy free lifestyle gets rid of my acne, I don’t know if that is sustainable for me. And I have plenty of other issues. Some of them, like my weight, require motivation and dedication to changing my habits and working towards something I can be happy with. Other issues, like my height, I just need to accept, see the positives, and move on.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done.

If only all of my self esteem issues could be fixed with a bottle of apple cider vinegar.

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my sex appeal is blah, but at least clinton doesn’t want me to work for him // gruene general store

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