My memories of the fourth of July are kinda hazy, and it’s not from the firework fog.

My brother and I invited our friends to float the Guadalupe River with us for Independence Day because that was the most redneck American thing we could think of. My brother invited about 13 friends including my cousin David and Zane, who is just one of my favorite people of all time. Zane is like Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Only one of my friends from UTHSCSA could come, so it was just me and Erin from Manhattan.

So we drove out to the river and tied all of our tubes together and started partying. I purposely tied Zane’s tube to Courtney’s because she’s a slut and she comes on to Zane so hard and it’s hilarious. She’s seriously always talking super loud about sex or blow jobs or something completely inappropriate. About 30 min into our 4 hour float, Zane’s tube was almost completely deflated. He swears the air guy didn’t close the hole, but I’m betting he opened it just to get away from Courtney. Anyways, he put one of the coolers on his almost deflated tube and sat in the cooler tube, which happened to be hitched to my tube. I like to think that Zane just thinks I’m a cool person and wanted to hangout with me, but he also thinks of me like a little sister, so he may have been protecting me from Creepy Alvin.

When we went over one of the rapids, the deflated cooler tube came untied from our floating party and Erin was trying to hold onto it. Because Erin is hilarious, she named the cooler Jack, so she could say “I’ll never let go, Jack” like the Titanic. They both could’ve fit on that door, I’m just saying. And true to Rose, Erin let go of the cooler just as we were passing the sheriff checkpoint, then jumped out of her tube to try to get it. Let’s just say she’s not a great swimming. She looked like a drowning chihuahua, so Creppy Alvin, who is also a lifeguard, jumped in to help her. This was about halfway down the river and I was definitely intoxicated so I was yelling at Erin, asking her why she let go of Jack and Zane kept telling me to shut up and remember my ‘birthday.’

I didn’t get arrested for being wasted as a minor and Erin made it back into her tube without a confrontation with Creepy Alvin. We kept partying along and I was seriously having the best time talking to Zane and Erin and just loving life and loving America. But before we knew it, the float was over.

Someone that was definitely not me put my Chacos back on my feet and I started walking up the steep incline out of the river, but I rolled my ankle and it hurt like a bitch. Micheal had me hold onto him because he thought I was drunk, which I was, but I’m also just clumsy so we will never know if it was me or the Keystone that rolled my ankle that day. When I made it to the top of the cliff, Micheal told me there were cops so I got real serious really fast. I’m a good drunk in the presence of cops. I don’t remember this part, but apparently a cop asked me a question and I proudly responded “January 30th, 1995” without realizing that he wasn’t asking for my birthday. I guess he didn’t think I was lying because he let me on the bus without a problem.

So I guess when I was in my own drunk world, Erin passed out in her tube and Creepy Alvin carried her up the cliff and into the bus. Creepy Alvin was completely sober, but Zane saw him making out with completely drunk and almost unconscious Erin and Zane punched Creepy Alvin. Then Zane sat with me on the bus and he told me to pretend to drive so I wouldn’t get sick and it really helped. He also made me drink like three water bottles, then paid for that when he drove Erin and me back to San Antonio and I made him stop twice so I could pee.

Then Zane carried Erin inside and she passed out in my bed for a bit while we continued our party in the pool. Two of my other friends from work came over, but Erin and I were pretty trashed so they just made fun of us. We ate burgers off the grill, crammed 11 people into the hot tub, shot off a few fireworks, and then watched the fireworks going off in the distance on from the back porch.

It was one of the best nights I’ve had in San Antonio and definitely one of the best Fourth of Julys I’ve ever had.

Oh except somehow my phone was the only one to get water damage, even though I have a Lifeproof case and I kept it in the water proof bad the whole time so that sucks. So Erika if you’ve tried to text me I’m not ignoring you I just don’t have a phone and I never connected mine to my computer. And Erin and I both made it to our 9am lecture, given by my mentor, only slightly hungover. That’s a W in my books.

matt david and me // featuring my chacos 

alvin, zane, matt, mitch, micheal, lexa, holden, david, me, erin // ready to float the river

after floating the river // first time in the hot tub

blood, sweat, & beers // erin was passed out in my bed for this pic


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