Yesterday was Easter.

Since my family isn’t super religious, Easter is just a few people going to church and then some lunch. Julie wanted me to experience her family’s Easter, so I went to her house on Saturday night.

I had an amazing time. I spent Thanksgiving with her family, so they know me. They are all so nice. We went as a huge group to church in the morning and then we went back to Julie’s house for lunch. The Easter bunny came to hide eggs and even brought me a cute Easter basket.I got to compete in the egg hunt, but Julie and I got beat out by her older sister Sarah. They sent me outside to cut some herbs and flowers to decorate the ham plate with and I was in charge of putting the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes. All the food was so good. Her entire family treated me like I was part of their clan. Her Aunt Amy and Uncle Elliot had this hilarious story about this rat they have been battling for a month. They were so animated as they told the story and they even acted some parts out. There wasn’t any yelling or cussing so it was a new kind of family event for me. 

There was some tension among her immediate family, though. Since Christmas, Julie has been severely stressed out. She is so stressed out about school that she can’t function normally. She doesn’t make time for anything but school. She can’t eat because she is too stressed and she doesn’t think she has enough time. Julie has always been incredibly thin, but now she weighs 97 pounds and she is 5’7. She looks like a holocaust victim. Her face is sunken in and her collar bones look pointy as fuck. She looks frail and she’s definitely malnourished.

Her family knows, but they haven’t really done anything. I was talking to Sarah and she said severe anxiety runs in her family. Sarah is on anti anxiety meds and goes to see a therapist sometimes. She also smokes a lot of weed. Julie sees her sister as weak and doesn’t think either of them have a reason to go to therapy. I think everyone can probably benefit from some light therapy. Anyways, we brought it up to Julie, and of course she said she doesn’t have enough time and it would just stress her out more. I was frusturated, but I didn’t want to push her so we dropped it. I told her that multiple people have asked me if she’s anorexic and she got super offended. She wondered why they didn’t ask her straight up and I told her she wasn’t super approachable. She got mad, but she knows I’m just a blunt person so I wasn’t going to lie to her when she asked. But then we went to bed. Or I went to bed and Julie literally stayed up all night writing a paper.

Anyways, Easter day Julie, Sarah, and her dad all went on a run so it was just her mom and I watching You’ve Got Mail. I expressed my concern to her mom, and she gave me a whole new prespective. She said she was worried, but now Julie knows there is a problem. Her mom said that as much as it hurts us, Julie is an adult. She needs to make her own decisions. Kim said they had thought about pulling her out of school and stuff like that, but they decided that it wouldn’t work. If Julie doesn’t want to change, then she won’t and she will resent anyone who forces her to change. We have to support her when she decided to make changes. But more than that, we have to watch her fail by herself and be there for her.

I understand the whole ‘she can make her own decisions’ and I appreciate that because my parents don’t give me the space to breathe, but does that really apply when your daughter is going to die from malnourishment? I mean Taylor Grass was admitted to a facility for anorexia and she gained ten pounds back and already looks better. Her parents admitted her because they were scared that she was going to suffer permenant damage if she continued down her path and they knew she couldn’t get better by herself. Bottom line is I’m incredibly scared for Julie and I don’t know what I can do about it. Obviously I’m there for her, but I feel like I need to do more. Hopefully God can answer my prayers and help her.

I’m worried about Julie, but I’m also mad as hell at her. Not only because she is refusing to take care of herself, but because she is refusing to let me in. Her sister told me that she got this great paid internship at UT Heath Science Center in Dallas. Sounds familiar, right? We got like the same research opportunity in different cities and different fields. She’s known for months and didn’t tell me, even after I told her about mine. She knows everything about me. She’s one of three people that know I have Monday appointments but I don’t even know where she’s working for the summer. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. I feel like she doesn’t care about me as much as I care about her. I feel like she doesn’t want to be my friend. I feel like I’ve poured my heart out to her and she has kept hers hidden from me. I feel like our relationship is one-sided. I’m hurt and I’m mad. Her parents told me that she’s just humble and shy, but that’s not an excuse to keep things from me when I’ve given her everything I have. I’ve let her fully into my life. In some ways, she’s let me into hers, but she’s still keeping me out of some basic parts of her life.

I normally don’t get mad at this type of stuff but I am truly hurt. I thought we were close friends, but she obviously doesn’t consider me that close.

So I guess overall my weekend was pretty confusing. I loved Easter and I had a great time celebrating Jesus with her family, but I’m worried and I’m pissed and I don’t know how to balance my emotions.

I’m also on my period. Happy resurrection, Jesus. 

sarah “smoothie” smith gloating about winning the Easter egg hunt // the smiths house 






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